holyboogers

On the bathroom wall of the family I babysat for back in high school was the following framed phrase:

 ”Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of what you already have.”

Nothing could ring more true to me on this day, the day after Christmas and a week after Eli’s death.  I sit here on the couch, Ryan next to me watching TV as he’s not feeling entirely well, my husband home from Portugal until the New Year.  He just placed Noah in his swing, but before doing so, I just watched…stared at him holding his son, his “mini-me” as we call him because it’s uncanny how much he resembles his father.  The truest of paternity tests :)   

I didn’t know whether or not I’d have Jay home for Christmas because of preparations to get Eli’s body back to his family here in the States.  I was fortunate enough to have him home later on Tuesday night.  I held him.  I breathed him in.  I cried.  He was home.  He was safe.  Christmas Eve was a rather emotional day for me as I kept thinking about Eli’s family, how they wouldn’t have him home for Christmas.  I would simply look at my husband, at my children, and the tears found their way out of my eyes and down my cheeks.  How is it that I am so incredibly fortunate?

Jay and I both went out on Christmas Eve.  Because he’s been in Portugal he wanted to do a bit of Christmas shopping for us and I had to make a trip to Walmart myself.  He took Ryan and I took Noah.  It was mad.  People were worried about finding the perfect gifts, beating out all others.  Rudeness and irritability shone through.  We met for lunch and as I took Jay’s hand, looked at Ryan and Noah, the madness passed by me in a blur.  I wasn’t thinking of anything else, I wasn’t thinking of anybody else.  This is exactly where I had to be.  And this man and these two beautiful boys were the people I was meant to be with.  My heart settled. 

I ache still for Eli’s family and I don’t believe this particular ache will pass me by.  It has, however, opened my eyes even more to the blessings I have in my life. 

“Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of what you already have.”

Don’t forget that.